DEPRESSION ||BIRTHDAY EMOTIONS
I decided to write this post because I am having a sleepless night. My emotions are just all over the place and I can’t help but weep.
It was my birthday a few hours ago (yesterday), obviously I turned a year older. To everyone, birthdays are meant to be one of the happiest days of your life. You’re to be all hyped up, jumpy, screaming with joy and be all glows and all. Nope, that’s not what it is for me. It’s happens to be the exact opposite.
Every year for the past God knows how many years, I tend to cry on my birthdays. I get very depressed and unhappy, why? I’m sure there’s a thousand and one reasons for that. I withdraw from people, from family, from friends and from the world. An obvious act of depression.
Yes yes people call in to wish and send in their best birthday wishes and regards and all of that, after that, that’s pretty much what it is. I’m glad some remember my birthday and obviously, a good number of people don’t, it’s okay, it will pass.
On this day, I sit and remember all the horrible things that have happened in the past. I also noticed that things go wrong when my birthday is just around the corner, maybe that’s just all in my head. I think about all these horrible things, I think about things I’m supposed to have achieved and I haven’t. Places I’m meant to be in life and I’m not and these just keep tears rolling down my eyes. This happened yesterday, I cried all through the day and just kept wishing the day would be skipped or it should just come to an end.
I don’t know how to get out of this or get myself to feel better. Yes, I know there’s a lot to be happy about, especially the fact that I’m alive and all. Don’t get me wrong, I really am grateful for that, I just get really depressed.
I need help getting past this cause it gets worse every year and I know I can’t continue this way. Being depressed year in year out is not even a joke. I feel extremely disconnected from the world. I feel like there’s something missing somewhere and I don’t even know what it is to begin with. All I do is cry day in day out. I’m scared, I’m lonely and I’m terrified I currently have no one to talk to.
I had a friend whom I opened up to but we had to cut off the relationship (friendship) because he’s girlfriend didn’t like me and wasn’t comfortable with our friendship and I totally understand but it hurts and has increased the intensity of my depression. A painful part of this whole thing, he couldn’t even drop a message to wish me a happy birthday. It’s all good though, I’ll get pass it.
This is it for me, I’m pretty sure you were expecting some happy post. I’m sorry I couldn’t provide that for you this time around. I just had to write out some of my unfiltered thoughts as it tends to be a form of therapy for me.
I hope you all understand.